It makes me feel ugly. When I look into the mirror, it’s like looking at another person. You know it’s you, but it isn’t you. Daily socialization is difficult, especially in a more conservative town. The yes ma’am’s, the she’s, the hers, it gets to me. It can ruin relationships with friends and family, and in some ways, it has. I was suffering from gender dysphoria at the age of ten or eleven. I felt weird looking at my reflection. I felt weird in a dress, I felt weird in my own skin. I felt weird with the voice I had, and I began to hate it. I began to despise looking like a woman, for reason I can’t even recall.
My mother is a woman of faith. She is strict with being what gender you were assigned to be. It has made our relationship, while loving and caring, tense when it came to formal wear. She aims for the compromise of androgyny, but her version of androgyny is on the feminine side still. I hate it. She never allows me to wear suits or basketball shorts, always giving me a funny look when I try to wear such. It’s just a slap in the face to have your mom remind you that you were born to be that. It’s difficult to socialize with the paranoia that they will find out I’m trans and bully me. Cisgender people will never understand that it isn’t just a matter of being a tomboy, it’s the entire identity as a whole.
It’s caused so much genuine stress that I’d affects me physically, making me ill at times. The body dysmorphia, the anxiety and hatred that comes with it. It’s not a trend. It’s not a game. It’s causing me genuine harm to be set back this long, from when I was 11 til now. To sum it up, it has hurt me mentally, socially, and physically, and is not something to take as a trend and run with.